At the end of it all you can do it stick to your guns and set your anchor.

I like going away. I don't know why but i like going away. It could just be the words of my circus mind or just the pure emotion of a want. But i always wanted to leave. I would just go whereever whenever i can. Relenting. Like the globular seed head of a dandelion, with just a soft blow, those tiny parachutes navigate by the wind. "why would you want to go away when you have people you loved here?" says Dad. I just believe there's somewhere i can be of more meaning.

A few days ago when i was at bikini bar, 6 of us talked about sensitive issues;; sex, the different alcoholic drinks, drugs, diseases. Then came the subject of me. The once bulimic. I never knew it would come to this day where i can talked about it without feeling estranged. I felt victory. I was lucky i did not reach the point of dying. Though till today, i taste the consequences. I remembered how lonely i was. I have friends but i didn't allow anyone to come near. I hated everything. everything. everything. That memory is like a hollow space, somewhere distant yet close. It follows like a tail. I don't think i want to rid it. I want it to always be behind. Behind and i will lead.

Free food free drinks this Sat's beach party. Can't wait~

F1 race audience view

But I knew exactly where I was.
And I knew the meaning of it all.
And I knew the distance to the sun.
And I knew the echo that is love.
And I knew the secrets in your spires.
And I knew the emptiness of youth.
And I knew the solitude of heart.
And I knew the murmurs of the soul.
And the world is drawn into your hands,
And the world is etched upon your heart.
And the world so har to understand
Is the world you can't live without
And I knew the silence of the world.

"And oohh my tongue's the only a muscle in my body that works harder than my heart."

Daddy and i had a loonng talk. One which could make your eyes pour and hands slamming things around you. But before i felt silly and vulnerable, i had a little voice under my ribcage saying "i want to present the world more than a caricature form, just like the few." It was like a death pledge. My father believed in a hopeless world but i was more intransigent than ever. So in a starters effort i researched in alot of things when i got home.

Have you watched freedom writers? i think its one of the best movies derived from a true story. About racism. About history. About how what has happend is just like one of the stars in the sky of many. Realistically. See Daddy, i'm not seeing the world like a bed of roses.

I think i have an anger management problem, or maybe its just my hormones and it always leaves me running off to anywhere from where i am. Right before then i would think/say "leave me". Then i got scared. You know that phrase-you'll only know what is important to you when you lose it. So to nurse my regret, i would check my cellphone about 4 times in every 2 mins and speaking words only God and me would understand.

Anyway tml i would be going to a beach bar to meet Jas, vert and Rayne. Neeedda to get outt.

"Best day of my life was yesterday." And the story is that i woke up to the melody i could play it over and over. It was cold but not too cold and i had a cup of lukewarm instant milo and ate sugar biscuits with it and then i went to the Catholic's home with everyone else. We fed the children's souls caught in frail wrinkled bodies and they reminded me of the book i read about changelings which sounds dumb but it weren't. I like the way Mother Mary stood like a guardian, with the newly planted roses adorned below her and soft light that reflects from the bonded carrara marble. That's the light that make everyone better, everything prettier, everything seem to be in that light. I didn't do much. But tried speaking, watching the beautiful changelings. I met one, who told me her background. A parankan, a chinese. a grandson whom i'll never forget about. I promised i'll be back to this lovely place. Great day, yesteday."

Alan: Now give me ten good reasons why is it so hard to be happy?
Me: Grand answer...

20th, 2 days ago, Alan's bday.
Was one of the best western gathering i've been to. I knew no one excluding the friends i came with. I didn't recognise the food. I had a bite of charcoal pork sausage and threw it out. I don't eat pork. I believe in the story 'Babe' the piglet. But anyway, why is it the best party, its cause everyone frolicked and gathered closely and ohhh there was rock music. Right beside us was another party, a contrast scene. Familiarrr.

This morning i woke up to a text msg from Dan, saying he's not well. So while i waited, think i wanted to be kept awake, i delved into my story book. A true story. Which gave me a clearer understanding of the world nothing like ours. Then i came across a poem, which reminded me of a human flaw. It says:

I swear i will not dishonour
my soul with hatred
but offer myself humbly
as a guardian of nature,
as a healer of misery,
a messenger of wonder,
as an architect of peace.

Now i know how keeping a personal diary should be like and not ripping the written pages off sporadically to restart-over. I didn't think it was that easy. Really. I was really fussy with the curves and lines that made up each letter. But in the last few days, i've been writing in short-hand i thought no one can decipher and i was contented.

Ps: www.danielpearl.org

Collette.G: It is not scientically proven that cats are afraid of dogs right?

David: Yea i think so

Collette.G: So an image of a cat overpowering a dog could make people go wow just because reality is grown from that fiction impression

Human psychology.. Amazinggg.

So Dan me and Dav hung at cartel (They have free bread loafs!) We talked about the procedures of studying/working in Australia. I gathered if applicable, i hope, i could either go by the end of this yr or end of '09. But it turns out i was less of a talker and more of a dreamer. You know, like an unopened empty box. Blame my book, my current entertainer to my desires. Anyway i can never be at a food-operated place without spending even my last few notes on something. Seriously, i'm a very indecisive person, but a menu of 5 different types of milkshakes? Milkshakes=gooodd. There was Death by chocolate milkshake, OREO chocolate milkshake, vanilla milkshake.. then i decided to go by color. I love white. So vanilla:] My personal strategy. Was a pretty relaxing rendevous. 3 people.. sitting in the awesome weather.. though not enough to air our solitary heads.

Just about done with this entry, i suppose this will be my final blog. Told Cheryl Viola during church on wed. " yah i know you always change". Apparently i can't be comfortable too long in one spot. So i was given a lesson by my Dr that maybe i just haven't found the right one that certain people would only know what it is till they reach their thirties. mmm..

Got this from someone and i wanted to try it here. Hopefully i get interesting response. So here it is;; Post anything that you want under my comments, and post it anonymously/or not. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love, what you think of me, your parents, boyfriend, anything. Just make it honest. Make sure to post honestly. Post as many times as you'd like.

I have always loathed to talk about the crevasses of my life. I see it as a weakness. But it has been a habitual comfort and that was where i got my words from. In other words, it has become an inspiration. More than half a year ago, i was rivetingly moved by the spiritural heft of Yahweh: The Lord in Hebrew. To be exact, i had embrace this gift as the father calls it, but the process was, half-glass empty. Now, ever so influenced by the teachings, i stopped my stubborn curiosity of God's existence and became very attracted to the many beliefs of the world. How similar our roots of traditions yet so different in the air we breathe. To some people, they fight to keep theirs right, to some they fight for truth. If i were to choose which values i considered most essential. I would say, ethics and truth; my personal religion. As i sit by the balcony acquainting myself with the breeze, I thought of how my faith was put to a test. This place of gravity and stability, where our feet can still touch the ground.. isn't the safest place at all.