Collette

2009-04-08T17:03:00.001+08:00

2009-03-17T17:23:00.017+08:00

Walking down shelves of tickets to great imagination, i found out what i anticipated my hands to grab hold of isn't in the regular preference today. I scanned through Pualo Coelho.. Nicholas Sparks, Dan Brown, David Baldacci and it just weren't the same. Like that part of obsession is over. Instead i'll flip through Marley and me kind of novels. The ones with the big 'W' and ends with a G or those with a dog on the cover where you fall inlove with the animal and it has to go in the end. Then right before that section seeps into your mind you remember to prepare a packet of tissue beside you. Yeah, that's for me.

So back to my life blanket by dreams. 2 days ago was my last at the Spa. Goodbye 9 hours of essential oil! I am.. quite.. relieved. Its not bad bad. It was actually a make-over experience. I get free this free that. And i'm late almost all the time and i still get free coffee. Well, its just 'not for me'. I mean.. i like how they use machines/tools/hands to create beauty but i'm more to brushes and pencils. So.. i decided to restart and join the rest of the kids in the yellow school bus with $20 in my wallet. I am way behind time and i think i saw a line or two near my eyes. Alan Herman said he's getting old when he couldn't remember the guy at their departure. I said i have forgotten where i placed my exams certificates. x

2009-03-12T13:41:00.000+08:00

2009-03-09T00:58:00.016+08:00

Sometimes we walk.. with the possibility, that around any corner, at any time, may come the person/thing who reminds you of your own capacity to surprise yourself. Who reminds you that what seems to be - even about yourself - may not be. I walked into one. One which would stirr up a memory or two. Which you would either shirk it off with a frown, telling yourself no.. this ain't worth remembering or better, God has let it happened for a reason. Or one which you'll recipocrate in surprise: "You're back. I'm back. We're home again. I know you." (I go for the second) Now you're on your flower-speckled bed, looking at the beautiful butterfly effect you grin like a chesire cat, you then finally abandon the literal definition of sleep to dream. You've stumbled upon a real dream.

I know nothing about the stars, the moon, the dream that is phallically enamated from it. But i do know dreams from the sky to the bottom of the volcano. I dreamt my whole life. When was it that dreams really do come true? And when it does, you suddenly become a 5yr old whose luck got you a little stray bird in your palms and you don't know how if you should compress the diameter of your cage-hand a little more so that it won't escape while thinking if it could last breathless just 5 storeys high into a proper home. So the ending was pain. And now you have this fear of even having it right infront of you.

Now you tell yourself, it all happens for a reason. People might just give you that bullshit look because that just makes you feel better. But the whole point is. It does. So i use it alot(recently) when my singtel mail arrives. If only i could always see the biblical phrases as not naked adam and eve but humans who sees embarressment as aliens. Then maybe my stepdad's "senile" appearence at home could have a reasonable explanation in another 3 yrs maybe? Though its been 17 yrs.

But above all, following God's metorphoric preachings is the safest. Meaning, have Faith.

2009-03-04T01:26:00.012+08:00

Hi 20.

So it looks like i'm spending the morning of my birthday listening to I'm Scared by Duffy. Or blogging, rather.

But i am nowhere near to pouring words through my fingers. I mean, i wrote the above, but i took 5mins of each. I go with the snail. Maybe that's why.. what i see is everything thrown to the wind. I can't complain, though. I hadn't fix my next pebble on my pebble pathway. I took a 2 years break and now i'm here with zero brownie points. I decided that this year i'll polish it brand new. That means looking for a job after i'm done with this. I should be stopping the current one this week. (Great news i know!) You have been patient:)

Okay back to the annual occasion! I received 2 enormous gifts from Daniel. Its not huge but it just seems big big. Big that my small hands felt smaller. Thank you thank the big thank pizzas thank the colors on my hair thank the bday song! Noon would be the beach.. then church and then.. 11p.m would be le love-beyond words.

Time for the bigggg.
x

Someone told me..

2009-03-02T15:48:00.007+08:00

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud que de nos chagrins il s'en fait des manteaux pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore,
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serais ce possible alors ?

On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et qu'il nous promet tout
Parais qu'le bonheur est à portée de main,
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit ...

Untitled

2009-02-25T23:51:00.016+08:00

And tonight, she's taking chances, making memories out of what she has. Throwing caution to the wind, it feels so good to leave it all behind. Here's to being young and beautiful.

L'amour?

2009-02-24T00:00:00.015+08:00

2 middays ago on the bus, i drafted on my cellphone about love. Ridiculous subject to ponder about but with Quelgu'un m'a dit playing in my ears? Quite possible..

This is what i wrote: You are either the type of person who sees clouds as a procreator of rain or as rolls of rolls of mint-flavoured candy floss. Just like you would see hurt as a bag of pain wrapped under 3 words of comfort; this is life. Or you divide them into i cry, i hurt, i heal. Hurt and love is synonymous. You can never see love without needles, hurt without the leeching love. And so i realised i didn't know how to define love. One day, my colleague asked: "describe love for me." So i search through my internal quotes column and only came up with.. "Love is.. Love.. must.. have passion.." Shit. Where did my life's notes over the years went? I was desperate. So i picked the one closest to my lips, the famous love quote from A walk to remember. Pathetic.. i know.. I need to rewrite.

I thought of my first love. Weren't it? I could only doubt-less that the first cut is the deepest. But love? How would you know if its true? And true love? its ever-lasting isn't it? And you then might even rejoice by singing Survior's- the search is over. Or maybe love has always been beside you but yeah.. blinded. Well.. I might be on my way.

Black Cherry

2009-02-20T11:44:00.010+08:00

"How can it be?
I can taste you now
How can I see
When you're everything
All my world in one grain of sand
And I've blown it
All my world in one grain of sand
And you own it.....

Black Cherry
Black Cherry

....Hearing you say it
I could die"

(Black Cherry, Goldfrapp)

Polaroid

2009-02-19T01:39:00.009+08:00

Mid February

2009-02-16T23:35:00.020+08:00

Love
Grow

Reach
Experience

Feel
See
Wish
Believe
Live
Dream
Change
Beauty

"There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads. Afraid. Confused. Without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while people push on to something better. Something found just beyond the pain of going it alone. And just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. Or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it's only when you're tested, that you truly discover who you are. And it's only when you're tested, that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist. Somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith and belief ... and beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead."
- One Tree Hill

I promised myself to write soon but i never could or did till tonight. My world has become the aftermath of a minor earthquake. But up is still up, down is still down. A book is still a book, and an owl is still awake at this hour. Just yesterday, was the first time i sat for a christian funeral. It was my Aunt Veronica's. I had to wear a black formal dress. So says my dad. I started looking around the big house to pick on those not wearing one.. I was desperate. I couldn't take all the painful black. Its like you becoming a blackbird and that you can only fly in blackness. But this part of life, taught me faith. How it really feels, when ur wearing it on ur skin, then just on ur clothes.

Aside from that, work is like a careless painting of colors. And in that painting.. lies 3 cold colors.. which its not worth keeping them in the picture. You'll change it right? I would. So.. goodbye to ice! To soothe, i'll be having my baptism on the 11th of April to be distracted with. I am still fretting over my list of sins. Which should be confessed first.. the least worst? or the worst worst? This should be exciting!

Well.. time to dream a little dream of love;)

Dream

2009-02-11T15:16:00.008+08:00

I was a little girl alone in my little world
who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees,
and fed my houseguests bark and leaves,
and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me,
God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey.
I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well,
there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now,
I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

About me

2009-02-04T00:50:00.030+08:00

I am sitting here in the living room, ramnants of my make up still surviving, talking to Franco about humans to ghosts to the moon. Its such a cold night, i abandoned the fan about 2 hours ago. But I wish there was snow. It would be lovely, to stand on blended ice with a camera on my mittened hands. Yet. Another dream. I should name my blog dreamland. Should i? But my dreamland won't be like alice's. There would be drizzle, anomalies, lakes.. so they say, water is the catalyst for a pisces's smile. I should try to change the subject of Collette and her bag of destinations yet to reach. Like now i am navigating through jobs webland. I am deprived of what i like to do. I hope to stumble upon anything to do with art. Speaking of art i really love the works of Courtney Brims;

List 10 things I LOVE, 10 things I DON'T LOVE
and 5 random things about me.

Love

Coffee
Lingeries and perfume
White
Art Exhibitions.
changing my nail color twice a week
Travel
Cameras.
Murder the dancefloor
The fridge when there's sushi
Reading.

Don't Love

Oysters.
Waiting around for public transport.
Cold shower.
Sound of crickets
lazy conversations
Wondering away too much with my mind
heels (lovehate relationship)
Game of love
When coco begs for food
Tomato

Random

I like swans.
I eat more than 1 polky sticks at a time.
"jinx! you owe me a soda!" Jinx what? where can i get soda?
I can't light a lighter.

I'm left handed.

I tag...

Valeria
Lei-leigh
Nicola

Night entry

2009-02-02T18:06:00.005+08:00

Hy.
I meant to write. I always meant to write. But the days, they get in the way, and the nights get packed with food and diaries. My bones says: "sleep, pls sleep" Just awhile longer, bones. You can wait. A number of times i find my fingers scrolling left right.. right again, through my ipod looking for something i had a craving for. But now its always that very song that flows into my ear. i wonder...

“People have stars, but they aren’t the same. For travelers, the stars are guides. For other people, they’re nothing but tiny lights. And for still others, for scholars, they’re problems. For my businessman, they were gold. But all those stars are silent stars. You, though, you’ll have stars like nobody else.”
“What do you mean?”
“When you look up at the sky at night, since I’ll be living on one of them, since I’ll be laughing on one of them, for you, it’ll be as if all the stars are laughing. You’ll have stars that can laugh!”
And he laughed again.
“And when you’re consoled (everyone is eventually consoled), you’ll be glad you’ve known me. You’ll always be my friend. You’ll feel like laughing with me. And you’ll open your windows sometimes just for the fun of it… And your friends will be amazed to see you laughing while you’re looking up at the sky. Then you’ll tell them, ‘Yes, it’s the stars. They always make me laugh!”
- Le Petit Prince

I added a dove. Dove makes me happy.

Foolish game

2009-01-30T02:16:00.014+08:00

The game of love.. is like a duo dancing. You take a step forward, then ur partner moves back a step. When your partner forward his step, you then go backwards one step. When one or both gets tired, that's when the game ends.. or it means leaving you to dance alone.

dream bedroom

2009-01-24T10:15:00.003+08:00

http://www.zarahome.com

Faith and Morrie

2009-01-23T00:14:00.003+08:00

Rides.. I can take long rides. Picking a secluded spot so that i can pretend my existence was dust. Either sinking into my book or scrolling through my ipod looking for something that suits. There. From this moment always comes into my head. Facebooked into mine by Faith.. The only song that makes a heart beat like a heart. I miss her. So much.

Tuesdays with Morrie. I haven flipped more than 5 pages of the book. Yet its like i knew the front and back of it. Morrie was Faith. If in a non-fiction tale. Morrie says without love, we're birds with broken wings. Faith says, we're all love birds with broken wings. Only thing her sense of humor came along with every wisdom.

So i sat at work, sneaking few more sentences from the book. Then i started to trace back to moment i got the book. From the man who over tan and got burnt from the sun. These should be all that's in my head. I can't blog properly now.. would. come back. with a good story. I hope.

2009-01-15T21:20:00.008+08:00

Picture perfect

2009-01-13T21:49:00.005+08:00

A smile is a curve that set things straight

Secrets

2009-01-12T02:33:00.015+08:00

Secrets are like soft heads. Designed to tumble through your body, tends to stay in you, which means a surgeon has to cut you open in another place, to get the sucker out. In this case. Time was the surgeon. Time decides for you when to free those secrets. And that is when you found someone who can join hands with that right time.

I took this what's your true fear survey last night. I would never have suspected alone was to be the result. Never ever. Yet when i further read the description, the words just became an old friend. A very old friend. Like it knew me more than i do myself. But then again, how could it be alone? I thought i like alone. I could, i would, i might, just want to be. Why can't dissapointment be the first or death.. But death was the least. More of zero percent. Which is very true. Well surveys don't matter anyway..

When i was young

2009-01-11T00:08:00.005+08:00

I didn't know.. till now that i've always been living with a devil.. I'm 20 now.. which makes this denial about 16 years old. I don't know how i feel or how i should feel. You know.. always believing people can't really be that bad.. would you know.. But this permenant realization like a personal time machine brought me to my first acquaintance with this devil. I was 5 yrs old. I stood by this particular row in this wonderland.. looking at the price tag. $79.90. I was madly in love with what came with it. A mammoth doll-house (more of a baby elephant now). My mind was playing. Directing. Constructing the many scenes i can involve my Barbie dolls in. Then i focused on the numbers beside the dollar sign again. Too expensive. But the devil bought it. He paid off the evil demeanor children usually presume on a stepdad. That was the first meeting.

I had forgetten i hadn't ate anything until evening. Wow. I am actually capable of that. I am on my 3rd coffee now. Nice. Back to my book. Whole truth. And i learnt something~ why waste time discovering the truth when you can so easily create it? This is nice.

2009-01-07T02:48:00.004+08:00

Best movie ever made.

Sweet dreams are made of these

2009-01-03T22:21:00.006+08:00

Right. 3rd day of 2009. While drafting this, the tv plays Memoirs of Geisha. If i could i would want to feel how its like dressing up as one. That maybe one of the to do things this year and travel. Yes. Travel. Still saving up for the HK trip in March. I read every page of the National Geographic Travellers series. Santorini, Greece being the 23rd most rated countries would still be top on my imaginary list and then comes Perugia, Italy.. a country where you can find love..chocolates are in the package. Like the Baci (kisses) chocolates, when u peel off the foil, you will see a slip of paper and on it prints one of shakespeare's love quotes. This would be next time. I hope.

2009-01-02T02:28:00.004+08:00

Its now. The day to begin with another entire unknown year. The day i recollected those gold memories. Nostalgia battles serendipity. Faith's departure that has an ingrown hole in my heart. They say everything happens for a reason. Purpose is still waiting in its space. After only 3 hours of sleep yesterday, i was picking up used candles at the spa. My feet was singing. The soles are scratched. My mind lost in the midst of classical love songs. But the night was good. It was good right Donna? That aside, i've met one, only one weird person so far. Not counting the guy who offered free drinks and asked "Are you a dancer?" I can dance. I am good. I smile.

Walked passed Bugis street with Dan earlier. The entrance that promises a cloudy stench and yes, rude people who steps on ur feet and pretends their shoes are innocent. But i had to go there. Only to one shop. Then i saw an old fashion desert machine that makes Magic ice cream. Machine was nice. Iscream is one problem.

Ps: Night Coffee and peppermint tea. I like it.

2008-12-31T01:38:00.009+08:00

I found these cute faeries/elves around our house today. My mom got them from a friend's shop in Katong Mall. She was not her usual today. But i like love her more this way. She helped me with my dressing up.. its a seldom the mother and daughter season.

So, my new year/christmas ending is a treat from Aunt Thersa to enjoy the angel voices. And I got Santa. For no reason.. it just looks nice. I won't want to eat it either..

2008-12-29T22:04:00.001+08:00

2008-12-27T09:56:00.001+08:00

Dan: Didn't fancy my sandwiches?
Alice: Don't eat fish.
Dan: Why not?
Alice: Fish piss in the sea.
Dan: So do children.
Alice: Don't eat children either.

2008-12-26T22:57:00.007+08:00

Nothing like a coffee in my right hand and walking the adorned streets in Orchard after work. I thought i could revive the Christmas mood but no.. So i chanced upon this Paris Opera Gallery. Exquisite master pieces. I love museums. Don't know why, just felt good in one. I noticed obese was the in thing.. and.. yes.. there's one i'm very in love with, an oil painting of Santorini, Greece. My choice of heaven. I want an art set. I want to paint.. a love story. The kind of love that occurs between two people. The kind of love that grows old together..

Baby it's Christmas

2008-12-25T20:13:00.014+08:00

Merry Christmas to all:) xo

2008-12-23T22:39:00.006+08:00

Today is just like any other day. Just a little more of a zombie. Just staying close to reality like gravity and our feet. Just, just maybe a lil happier. I could fall asleep at any moment right now. My eyebags are starting to seek more attention then any other parts of my face. I was reading my daily horoscope earlier. It speaks my soul, i believed.. I don't know, sometimes, i could "cursed" them like a sailor. They made me think too much. Yet sometimes, they smoothed a rough edge. On a more personal note. I've seen so much the past few weeks.. So much i picked up and learnt along the way. Like picking those pretty little seashells by the beach and learning their names praying that behind that veneer, there's something as beautiful as it is on the outside. I threw a few away.. the ugly ones.. and.. those that made my fingers hurt. I have this fear. This fear of hurt of picking the wrong seashell again.

I contemplated(can't remember how many times) if i should rid everything on my mind, here. Here. The public space. The place where i'll always lie to tell the truth. Right, blame it on my beautiful flaw. I wrote it. I did. Might delete. See how.

life explaint in a picture

2008-12-23T04:38:00.002+08:00

-Varian Loka, In Thailand.

2008-12-21T23:28:00.005+08:00

"its crazy how we always end up where we're meant to be. how the most ironic situations eventually will teach you something you never dreamed you were going to learn."

I like it at work. Everyone is really nice. Not that i've not met them before, just that its different now that i'll be spending most of my time with them for the next 1 2 years. And then there's Zen, the manager/sister's ex bf. I knew him for coming 5 yrs? We spoke in the morning. About his reasons for persuading my mother to bring me in. It'll be like milestones to my destination. Like maybe my sister or me could take over the Spa or the pubs too one day. I got excited. For a moment i pictured myself, an independent accomplished woman. How my parents would look at me. Then i got scared. Again, its not what i wanted. Sometimes, life isn't just about what u want. But what you need.

So one of the staffs, Pinky, told me that working there means i've to be aquainted with our corridor regulars. The stray cats. Namely, Bouncer because he "guards" the pub right next to us, then tiger(needless to say why) and Panda, peculiar kitty. The placement of its spots are very messy.. but cute. Tml is another new day.. I need to paint my nails.

Ps: O.P.I has amazing polish.

2008-12-21T01:00:00.016+08:00

Cheese.

No..... our faces are apart

Rayne and me.

These, each priced up to more than a hundred singapore dollars.

Luis Marden/Thomas Abercombie

Could they all be perfume bottles?

Found one that is.

Its 2AM, i am on my bed, still with my make up on, as usual, trying to piece words together to describe my loveless december. And i had a flashback. I was in Church and we were each given a pencil and a small piece of paper. We were asked to write, what you want others to remember you as when you die. 30 seconds.. 2 mins.. then 5 mins.. the paper in my hand only showed the folded lines i unconsciously manage to create. 10 mins. I still had nothing good to pen about me. Okay forget about that. I'm counting time now. Cause i'll have a busy long day tml. First day of work.. an assistant to run my mother's spa. This is one of the steps. Yes Jeff, one step at a time. Before i end this entry, here's a quote i found, strange.. but a phallicism of my life.

So this is when we finally learn the real meaning of change. You do the things you used to be against, you date the people you thought you never would, and you befriend the people you used to hate. You'll learn what it's like to have your heart broken, to lose a friend that truly meant something to you, and to feel as if everything is really falling apart. There will be times that your life seems so absolutely horrible it feels like it's not real. Despite all this, good things will come too. You'll make the most amazing friends that will be there for you even when they probably shouldn't. Your broken heart will heal once you find the most perfect guy you've ever met, and just as nothing else can go wrong, things will only get better. There will be the days you are so happy, and the days that you feel like dying. In the end you'll realise, everything happens for a reason.

2008-12-19T03:16:00.010+08:00

I've learned i'm incredibly lucky.

2008-12-17T13:49:00.001+08:00

2008-12-16T22:11:00.001+08:00

don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is
better than silver or gold...
- bob marley

2008-12-16T21:57:00.002+08:00

2008-12-15T02:33:00.018+08:00

Charred(drunken): Are ur lashes real?
Clutch: Nope its fake
Charred(touching it): I'm really amazed by fake lashes. How bout the bottom ones? fake too?
Clutch: No, They're real.
Creator of Rebound: Ur hair fake too right
Charred: Aw it is?
Clutch(quiet now): yes. Fake.

Monday, December 15
It's a very romantic day but you are not being at your most practical or grounded right now. You are definitely looking at the world through rose coloured glasses, and reading poetry and drinking delicate wines may have more appeal than honestly looking at the facts

There's not much to say to that. I am forever receding to the unreal. Just like a Cheshire cat, i will suddenly leave until the situation is.. fullfilling yours truly.. Apart from my version of never-ending story, i have plans. Plans that requires a lot more savings. I'd say, that i have this intense craving to travel. Like maybe, put myself on a journey to search for the missing pebbles on the pebble pathway i'm standing on. I'm not wanting any. Just to have a taste of out there. Just being sure. Choice is one, right one is another.

I drew this a year ago. Its originally from a japanese artist. I cant remember her name.

So the feng shui man came to our place yesterday. I love spiritual things. Imgaine, an easy way ticket to know your year 2020? So for peace in sleeping, my sister and i had to lie the other way around our current position. Hate this part. Who's to tell me how to sleep. But I also heard from this magic man, My stepdad would go away. For good. Rejoice. This means. So time will prove. I am cold. Yes ice cold.

2008-12-14T03:47:00.001+08:00

Dan: Deception is brutal, I'm not pretending otherwise.
Alice: How? How does it work? How do you do this to someone?
[Dan is silent]
Alice: Not good enough!

Once upon an indie december

2008-12-10T15:57:00.004+08:00

2008-12-09T22:10:00.007+08:00

I lost track of time today. I floated high above the world of realism. Then when i got up, the alarm clock says 7.35PM. I was really really hungry besides the biscuits i munched on the half-hour afternoon my feet touched concrete. The biscuit box still hidden beneath my bed:) Then came my mother, dinner's ready. But i was having this inner child temper that i didn't want to leave the room, not even the bed. I wanted to remain in abstract form, where butterlies don't ever stop flying and time does not exist in such a dark place. I am missing them.. The space hurts. They say love hurts. The pain is proof.

It would help if i were abit more attached though. If i knew to always watch for pins and needles on the ground before taking a step. If i knew how to handle my life like the master and his puppets. If the blackest person in my home would brittle to grey right now. So beautiful.. The world play by humans.

Trouble keeping a heart whole.

2008-12-07T03:54:00.007+08:00

Love is watching someone die..
So who's gonna watch you die?

2008-12-06T22:53:00.003+08:00

2008-12-06T13:06:00.006+08:00

I don't know how i'll feel about not having a solid surface to stand on. After my quick 3 days refuge, it looks like in about 11 hours, they're really going. Yes going going. And that's only the "tiny part" of what's gonna happen.

So i slept over Faith's, only after like 4? 5, 6? hours of sleep i decided to quit sinking myself into oblivion. So i spoke to Soni about getting my annoying tonsils remove this week. We thought of going together side-by-side. On the surgery table. Which means i won't be alone. I have this fear of going to the hospital alone. Much more be in it.

Now, about my trip. Me being in a christmas adorned gargantuan ship but more times i hid in the cabin, constantly checking if the temperature really is under heater mode, and i'm asking me.. So now what, 5 yrs of fever-free and now ur here with me on board? And medication-less except for pans which seems to help for about 3 hours after each 4 times i took it? Makes me guilty.. Like, it was supposed to be family bonding time and i hardly see them. So within the 3 hours "recovery", i had my to-do-list things to complete, the drawing i'm trying to finish for Faith, my first game at the Casino(you just sit there and press the same button over and over.. waiting to see every 5 cents decreasing), eat. Yes eat. Buffet(Its free) What happens when solids gets acquainted with swollen tonsils? I realised they only had burning hot water/coffee/tea. My dad had to practise water-tarik to de-heat it, wanted to watch this Las-vegas topless performace(I was very keen) and lastly, Pictures! What's a trip on an amazing ship without taking pictures? I think i did had a good time as well..

Pictures up soon. Till then. xx

2008-12-03T15:36:00.001+08:00

They could be better, but they could be worse and I can't look at anything with a purely pessimistic or optimistic point of view. It's that point in life where you just have to forge forward and hope for the best. You keep your fingers crossed in hopes that someday catching that happiness you tried so hard to hold in your grasp. That's the thing about happiness, it is fleeting. Like that firefly you try to capture and no matter how many times you waver, try to clasp it in your hands, but it never wants to be kept. Keep one foot in front of the other and move along, because someday that firefly will find it's way back to you.

Back on fri. With love,

Genevieve

2008-12-01T19:45:00.003+08:00

Gerard: If you fall in the mud when're your wearing a white dress, you pick yourself up immediately. You won't want a mud-soaked dress right?

Genevieve: I would wear a brown dress.

Gerard: White dress. Don't dirty it.

Genevieve: Promise, would be white and pure as a White Oleander.

2008-12-01T17:06:00.007+08:00

Twenty years from now, you’ll be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover - Mark Twain

I wondered about some people.. A box full of memories that make you cry; Do you burn them to forget your pain? Or keep them to remember how great it all was? I would remember. Even if new happy ones inhabit the never-ending spaces of the box.

2008-11-28T02:47:00.016+08:00

"Give me love. Thrill me. Surprise me. Dazzle me. Delight me. Tease me. Please me. Give me days I'll always remember and nights that I'll never forget. Give me everything I want and nothing I need. Give me you."

2008-11-27T13:59:00.007+08:00

"I want you to love to the tips of your fingers, and when you find that love, wherever you find it, whoever you choose, don't run away from it. But you don't have to chase after it either. You just be patient, and it'll come to you. Don't be afraid. And remember, to love is to live."
-Dawson's Creek-

As i opened the door to its minimun, i knew my direction. To the left. Where lesser chairs lay and away from the crowd. As usual, i'll sit at the furthest back check my cellphone for any sign of distraction then try to switch my mind to church mode. So an old man spoke. He spoke about how miracles can happen and did happen to him. I am then imagining. What if i was him? what if? I imagined living my life to the fullest. I imagined what my sister could learn. No wait, death is too early for me. Anyway my ears tend to work seperately, trying to search for holes, like "that tone.. he's tearing right? wait no.. he's supressing. Maybe not, he seems like a strong man after all he's been through." Right then, i thought, i want to be like him. And he met a Saint in his dream.

Leaving the Holy grounds was like.. How to express something so dangerous... maybe the last time I ever felt safe... I need to go back again.

Last night was also amazing. It was the 4 of us again. Same a Wednesday. Only this time, i weren't working and we were a quarter-filled drunk. We're good together, aren't we? I knew them for a week but it was like we want more 4 of us time. It was nice, dancing the last hour away. Squeezing ourselves to fit into the tied-together chairs and having potato chips+hot chocolate on a rainy 3 am. So i told them about the possibility of my home gate locked. Silver and Gladys said i could stay at their place. Thank you. But i'm stubborn. And being stubborn can be expensive. I realised. Wasted a trip home to prayers unanswered and cab fare to Gladys. I am in pieces. I am. Today was still amazinggg~

2008-11-25T23:06:00.016+08:00

I don't know how i'll manage without you guys. I know.. Life goes on...
I love my new musical box. I actually got the lighter pink one but Geri wanted it. Aww well both is pretty anyway. thanks mommy. After watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua, I am tempted to get a small cute puppy like the one above. Isn't it cute?

-I need seconds to be faster.. no.. slower.. wait, can i be the master of time? slower is when i'm pacing my path.. contrary wise is when i'll see myself up and flying. I mean, i'm just asking, if you could be the quiet solid trees by the sides of the road and watch me start my engine?

2008-11-22T03:49:00.011+08:00

This can't be. The Herman is leaving on the 6th, and i would still be in the middle of the Ocean. Time is and forever my enemy. But on the other hand, i knew there's a reason for everything. My planned trip.. the impossible last two and a quarter days with them in Sg. Must be one of those mellow therapy i guess.. quite possibly..

So today i decided to revisit my imaginary memo and state the 5 must bring things on my trip.
-Journal(Since i can't use my laptop)
-Story Book
-Good pen(I tend to write better with nice pens)
-Camera
-Sunglasses, Perfume, earrings

I was reading the book;; Notes from my travel on the way to work last night when i came across a few gathered facts that i would like to share here.

More than twenty million refugees exist today.
One-sixth of the world's population lives on less than one dollar per day.
1.1 billion people lack access to safe drinking water.
One-third of the world has no electricity.
More than 100 million children are out of school.
One in six children in Africa dies before the age of five.

♥ no matter what anyone tells you, words and ideas can change the world.

2008-11-18T17:52:00.019+08:00

I think his craft is incredible. They are actually chinese characters.

I think, in Sg even in a land area of 699 km², there are actually interesting things around if you notice. And especially the subject of original art where it is less appreciatable here. Sad.. Reality needs a switch. Anyway i'll be working for 3 days this week. DblO tml and Pub roving next 2 days. Slightly worried bout the whole idea of it. Most people linger only on the surface of a beautiful book. If you know what i mean. So 2 more weeks to cruise = uncontactable for few days. Its a good/bad thing. Sometimes its just nice to be away for awhile.. yes would be nice.

2008-11-18T14:54:00.016+08:00

So came 2p.m today. My mind was in curves and straight lines, contorting a number of familiar silhouettes and then i saw me. Then Faith, Tatum, Soni, Donna, Belle and so on.. There was droplet-shaped dripping out of us. And then there was no space. No space. No personal privacy. Every wrenching emotion poured out to the departure floor and unwillingly shared. That was my 2p.m heart, and just fresh from sleeping.

I’ve spent my whole life compromising and being a good little girl and not doing what I want, or doing what I want and feeling guilty for doing it, and I’m sick of it. Because i'm still in the suppressive state of not doing what i'm most good at. Drawing. I remembered crying. Yes that pain. That only piece of hope in life left that very day. And it left a hole from where inhabited. I tried to fix that hole. I decided to pick a pen instead.. transform everything into strings of letters. And amazingly, i can. But its not the same.

If i hadn't tried so hard to cover that hole.. If i have enough hope to sustain in relationships. I thought about everything i did. But I hurt, anyway. I wish i could heal. I mean, imagine you have a pair of magical hands and you spiraly remove people's internal hurt. Like having tornado in sin city. Did i do that on purpose? Did I secretly enjoy the post-pain of knowing I did horrible things? Can i stop the guilt and yet can i don't? Contradict me. I realised the truth isn't the way out of alice's wonderland. Never is. Sometimes i don't know why truth exist. Its believe.

Hard rock cafe is amazing:)

2008-11-15T04:35:00.009+08:00

don't close the book, just turn the page.

I'm trying to put everything on a paper. Like what Dale Carnegie recommanded in his write. And Separate the then and 4.45a.m now. I have quite a number to pen down. But the purpose for this post is to draft my position as the "oldest" child in the family. I'm not. She is. But she'll be coming home in broken pieces and no keys. Its funny how someone that tortureous and deminoring long time ago can be a miserable bag of bones after. I am still, clueless. Because then and now are synonymous.

I, offically declare myself, perfectly okay. Letting the "see where life takes me" quote as my eyes. Yes i do have alot of now to write down. 30 seconds to complete my proposition. A week each to solve the many. I predict. I believe rainbows don't end in a bin. I may be riding along my train of thoughts too much, oblivious to everything else. I named that dreaming, an euphemism. + or - i don't really know. I'll blame whichever on circumstances. And then that is when everything becomes transparent. These days, i subconciously crave for it. Because that 30 seconds would be transformed to like a packet of marshmellows or mm mm a free ticket to Greece!:) So i'm okay. I don't ponder. Sounds cold. But my thoughts are just as empty till i know i have to look at my piece of problem paper. Again.

5.48a.m, i'm leaving the door girl job. Night people..

2008-11-13T21:47:00.008+08:00

Remember my post of a few weeks ago.. about a book i was very shocked to see lying on the floor of my sister's room? Well, I am confiding in it now. No wait. More of, for reassurance. For a bed to pause and lie on. Let the stranger perform his masterpiece so that my mind can fly on every word nicely printed page by page like forbidden fruits in a tamed field. I needed something, or someone to carry me. Yes like a baby.

Sitting here, at the dining table trying to add more spice to this entry, which i can't because i know i'll end up complaining about my body which is under maintainance. Even my grandma's supposedly tempting pepper chicken at the top right of the table won't get my taste buds working. I don't like today. Today is not a good day.

Sometimes me think, “What is best friend?”
And then me say, “Best friend is someone
to share last cookie with!” - Cookie monster

And in reality, the last cookie would be the blackest and ugliest piece ever made. But then i would know who'll just disappear like a pricked balloon:)

On a much brighter side...

Like branches of a tree, we grow in different directions
Yet our roots remain as one.
Each of our lives will always be a special part of the others.

You'll always be special in mine.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOLLI

2008-11-12T15:25:00.003+08:00

Sick:( but still up and about.

Egg in process
vola! yay i'm so proud of myself.

2.36a.m
Faith: Shit look at his brakes, looks like a huge vibrator. Shit a
Me: FAITH
Faith: So now what do we wake him up?
Me: Yes let's press the honk!
Faith: Are you serious? haha
Me: He'll definitely be straight up
Faith: Shit haha he'll ask where could he be instead of where we want to be
Faith: &ppl in singapore really snore, especially when you have that kind of vibrator beside you.
Me: HAHA
Me: EEK. A FROG.
Faith: Where?
Me:Theeree...
Faith: That's a PACKET Gen.
Me: Well its shiny and black so i thought it was that green monster

.
.
.

.
.

Shhhh.. the taxi uncle sleeping

Here's a closer view

2008-11-11T00:54:00.019+08:00

Do you think microwavable macaroni is delicious? -with cheese?:D
What song are you listening to right now? -Jesus Christ that's a pretty face...
Aren't penguins lovely? -Especially when the husband and wife switch roles.
What is your favorite brand of water? -I'll be lying if i said i love evian
Are you happy with the election? -Hope progressing
What if we showered with grape juice instead of water? -With milk i'll love to. Fair skin remedy, i heard.
Do you use flash cards when studying? -Wha's flash cards?
Well, you do study, right? -Few hours ago till Friends came on!
How many vowels are in your last name? -_O_
Do you prefer crayons over colored pencils? -paint
Do you believe in aliens? -yes yes yes. Aliens are like flash cards.
What do you find annoying? -My throat.. now.
Do you judge people by what they wear? -Honestly, no.
Do you underline or highlight important text? -seldom
Is your shoe size bigger than 7? -I've small feet.
Do you carry a calculator with you everywhere you go? -Its an application on my cellphone.
Is the sky made out of cotton candy? -yes. And the rain melts them.
Was this a boring survey? -Quite.. survey isn't a fun thing:)

2008-11-10T19:49:00.001+08:00

I'm a little too far on the edge & a little too dreamy to know

2008-11-09T23:05:00.014+08:00

I've come to the realization that i can't blog when my blog is too pink. My thoughts will just be pink, too. Maybe that explains why i've been uneasy the last few days because i couldn't blog my mind. I should be at the study table practising communication skills instead of reminising the intersection of the moonlight and the ice crystals. The outcome was amazing. Well everything has been very surreal lately, I actually allowed to myself to rub my brusies hard just to make sure. But on a lighter note, i have been eating excessively , but according to scale, my weight is dead. Not moving. Times like this, i choose not to believe the scale.

Yesterday evening i was having takaway sushi. Alone. At Orchard. Halfway through, i noticed a girl sitting beside me, reading a story book. Alone. So, i'm not the only one with issues. At Orchard. It weren't a bad night afterall. I take that back. It was bad. I don't know why i do such foolish things. I'm starting to think i can handle people's shit but not mine. I am very stupid.

I'm such a terrible person. Its been 1,2,3,4- weeks since i last saw my dad. I was supposed to meet him last sat for cartel but blame yours truly for being wasted. Anyway after coming back from Faith's place, we had a gloomy lazy sunday by the way and i am still deciding if i should take up the retail job at this really amazing japanese shop at far east. The lady boss actually warned me of her. Its like a challenge. A cheap challenge of 5/hr. Should i?

Ps: My current contact no. would be temporary not-in-use because of personal reasons. Sorry:x

Piccheese!

2008-11-07T01:35:00.019+08:00

He was too cold from the flower fridge.
I swear u can see air coming out from my mouth
Cant decide which
Putting coupon
I feel like a whale beside him
Favourite baby girl.

1st funny pic.

2nd. I look like a guy.

2008-11-06T14:33:00.005+08:00

Pisces Daily Horoscope;
People seem to be a hotbed of hot buttons right now. No matter how hard you try to avoid getting into arguments again today, you are likely to stumble across someone's baggage. If you find someone who is extra touchy, be extra patient, they aren't themselves today. ":x"

I feel as though somebody’s fingers have been placed over my eyes and that the only parts of my surroundings that I can see are through the gaps. Even people, i see in gaps. But this is good, too. Cause you don't want to see everything. You don't want to think too much. And I've realised the only way to have your reputation scrub clean of dirt, is to only give others your strength instead of your past. I am not hurt anyway. I only see the gaps.

I've been having famous amos for breakfast the last few days. Not exactly breakfast. Cause i'll always sleep at 4 then wake at 1. Branch? What's that country where they eat chocolates for breakfast? They had it on travel and living. I think. In about 30mins i'm going to meet Daniel for a ride in his car and then we're going to see frozen plants. I'm starting to like flowers. The arranging. The snip-snapping of the stems. But i'll lose the interest in.. mm.. 2 weeks? Friends know me. I just can't remain committed to one thing. Unless its something i really really can't live without. Which is? dolls. Right. Dolls.

2008-11-02T04:36:00.012+08:00

Its like everyday has been a bad day. And i could do something to change it but i didn't. Free an empty plastic bag on a windy day and watch how it'll just follow where the wind takes it. That empty bag, is me. Where i'll navigate to, i didn't care. I needed to be in my own time. But funny how impatient people can get. They don't wait for you. They'll just do what they feel is right. The bag becomes a trash and so its meant to be in the bin. And anyways, you never know what it had been used for so throwing it would be the sensible thing. Yes you call that an influenced perspective cause you're gonna be the 9775429 person who won't reuse that trash. I remembered when i was little i used to scavaged through big bins or public void decks cause thats where unwanted things tend to be. I would always always find something and bring it back home. My dad would start to tease me by calling me rubbish girl. I was obsessed with the "treasures" and my dad would get all irate if i collect too many. But I like knowing that there may be a surprise one day.. in that unwanted catergory.

Its 5.20a.m and i can't sleep. I'm on my new bed. High on top. Pink bedsheets. 3 only stuffed toys i ever allowed to follow me. Can't wait for the canopy to be up. I just hate climbing up and down especially at night cause i have that fear of falling. So i met Belle, we dine at east coast. I ATE, Surprisingly. Greentea was abit disgusting though. We had her fav 3 seconds music from a man on a very very colorful bike and free natural feet exfoliate. Won't go there.

In the mist of being lost, i lost things as well. My make-up bag, victoria body spray.. people. i'm making a fuss on my make-up. Imagine all your make-up gone in one day. It means you can't feel pretty the next few days. Okay i'm getting dizzy. Pictures on helloween are on facebook. Will blog something less boring soon~

2008-10-30T05:03:00.007+08:00

gєиєνιєνє ¢σℓℓєттє says:
why aren't you sleeping?
faithherman says:
are u normal .. cant sleep, no wonder i look like shit these day
gєиєνιєνє ¢σℓℓєттє says:
haha me too
faithherman says:
why?
gєиєνιєνє ¢σℓℓєттє says:
Well, one thing is i have alot of words in my mind
faithherman says:
what what talk to me
gєиєνιєνє ¢σℓℓєттє says:
i found a quote
gєиєνιєνє ¢σℓℓєттє says:
We see everything through a glass, darkly. Sometimes we can peer through the glass and catch a glimpse of what is on the other side. If we were to polish the glass clean, we'd see much more. But then we would no longer see ourselves.
faithherman says:
i know .. u are so sweet .. even if it is at 5 am
faithherman says:
i better sleep i gotta wake up at 5.30 see you
gєиєνιєνє ¢σℓℓєттє says:
savour the 30 mins
faithherman says:
Shit.. i wonder what's david's secret

2008-10-27T02:20:00.009+08:00

would you go out with someone right now if they asked?
For a holiday? yeah

what color underwear/boxers wearing now?
Blue & white sailor's undies

is there a meaning behind your profile song?
-

what is your favorite fruit?
Cherries.

will the last person you kissed, be the next person you kiss?
I fear of intimacy.

do you give out second chances too easily?
I believe in the double Fs'

where is one place you want to visit?
Greece!

do you like hugs or do you freak when people hug you?
I need a hug right now.

are you ticklish?
Its a secret!

someone just handed you $100,000,000 now what?
Give it back

what color shirt are you wearing?
Pink pajama with hello kitty on it.

when was the last time you were truly,completely happy with your life?
When i dance

could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
3/4 more to go

if you were a crayon what color would you want to be?
The color of purity

who would you like to see right now?
the backs of my eyelids.

2008-10-26T23:13:00.001+08:00

This is such a thrill, lost in love and dancing

2008-10-26T05:32:00.014+08:00

I should really stop falling asleep with my eye makeup on. It has become a habit and i'll wake up having trouble opening my eyes. Just few hours ago i found out i have more than 5 blue blacks on my body. A night of dancing can really do wonders. So i just got back from Faith's. We were munching on junk food and sharing stories after stories of life, about certain people who are just temporary in our lives. We could talk about everything. Everything. I would miss her. Yeah.. quite frankly..

Life is now or never, Forever never comes around

2008-10-24T15:55:00.007+08:00

There's one thing a quote does that nothing and no one else can do - it can become a part of you. you may never meet the person who said it, but that person is a companion. quotes help you get over pain, feel loved. make you smile & laugh and help you through those tough days when you think no one else knows what you're going through. I started reading quotes since i was seventeen. They have become a guardian angel to me. I always thought that in the end, one has to depend on oneself to walk the path. But i was wrong. There's always someone, something or some place that acts as your a ever-shining lamp post.

Woke up this morning to my grandmama inviting the annoying sunlight. I dreamt of a cat. I can't quite remember. But there was a cat. Could be seeing too much of my fortune cat cellphone charm. But i think i feel lucky these days. I'm working tml at my Godbrother's cart-shop. Need to wear sport shoes. I don't like wearing them cause its the first step to stinky feet. But anyway, i might get a job at mother's spa as well. I'm gonna focus on earning alot of money so i can travel and write. Right.. gotta stop daydreaming too.

Besides my busy life, with the shifting and packing, more packing, my gf and i are making plans to go to Hongkong on the 19/12. I can't wait to go. I read it'll be winter season there so i'll finally get a chance to buy those fluffy white sweaters. I'm going on a cruise on the 3/12 too. I love a get-away.

If you could choose, where would you go on a holiday?
P-s: I didn't know they do sushi delivery here.

2008-10-22T03:32:00.002+08:00

无论如何要前进

2008-10-18T13:58:00.000+08:00

2008-10-17T03:12:00.003+08:00

For 2 hours my mother has been talking. Talking about life. Her life she meant to give us. Even though the booze crafted the words, i knew what she felt was a permenant dysfunction. Till maybe, just maybe, a genie lands on our carpet. 4 days of not having a solid surface to stand on, i broke down. I think too much. I mean if i don't, my hands would start to take control instead. Half-assimilating what my mom was saying, i laughed at the whole image of us, my sister, me and her. I just didn't want to imagine the message she was trying to decode. I don't like to navigate to something beyond our reach. I don't know.

Cab drivers can be really nice sometimes. Yesterday on the way to church, this catholic driver who looks like Van de Velde, only smaller, made friendly conversations and played really good music and today, this driver smiled when i said i don't have ten cents, can i pay you that less? Okay its just ten cents. But the little makes me pay attention. I wonder how they earn. I wanted to ask but always end up surpressing myself. I knew i could just google the answer but i think sometimes staying curious on something would actually be better.

I need to write more. Draw. Anything with my hands. I'm a whizz at controling my mind when it comes to that:] Anyway this afternoon while preparing for work, i found a book that made me froze for few seconds. "How to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. Next thing i did was touch it to see if its real. Its my sister's. And that means she knew she needed it. Then I found myself smiling.

2008-10-13T15:11:00.008+08:00

You get smaller as the world gets big. The more you know, you know you don't know shit.

I don't want to be like my mother or my sister. A night ago, i was. And i come home with bumps and bruises. But it was a night i really paid attention to the people i need to grip hold of. Thank you. So the morning I remembered shouting in Faith's lavatory because the shower thing came off and there went the towels, walls and me, soaked. Then i found out i'm having aches at the side of my tummy. Maybe its cause i've not been eating much. Coming more than a week? Frankly, i'm not dieting. I lost my appetite in the process of living life. After settling with Faith's homemade prata and sausage/cheese, i started facebooking. I only slept 3 hours and i'm wide awake. I spent my remaining time in bed deciding a name for my future puppy. I told everyone. Okay I indulge in something else too quick. Nevertheless, it makes me happy. The hills was playing and came out a song both soni and me sang with it like for more than 3 times. With all the like like american speech, Soni in her spongebob belt decided to talk about another spongebob she has. Yellow sponge printed on pencil case.. I just laugh out loud

Days ago, i created a post but left it in drafts. A draft of few words. I think that my past week could be piece together to make one story. I wanted to create one. Then i started pondering and comtemplating.. i am incapable of being honest. About more than 12 hours i had locked myself in my room. I realised i've to move. Strange, cause its a combination of moving literally and unliterally. I'm gonna watch a movie tonight. But for now, my first step out the house is another new beginning. Bye old Genevieve.

http://www.reasonstoleave.net/

2008-10-06T14:20:00.006+08:00

"Life is the ability to feel so happy, you think your insides are going to explode. It's being so upset or disappointed, you feel as if your stomach just dropped ten feet out of place. It's running so hard, you can barely breathe. It's the feeling of panic when you know you've been caught doing something wrong. It's having that sudden rush before you kiss someone you care about. It's opening your eyes and feeling them sting because you spent the whole night crying. It's letting people go because new ones come in, and all the while realizing that life doesn't have a purpose unless you let it."

murder on the dancefloor

2008-10-05T13:05:00.004+08:00

10p.m, everyone started dissolving to the music, feet wallowed in sand and moves anticipated by the moment. Booze has already reached its destinated places, and then there were two types of people, the viewers and the displayers. So I lost the time, my earring, my clothes. Seriously, i'll need a guard to secure my stuffs that or i bring less next time. Both.

Okay i didn't sleeeepp since 3a.m when we got to faith's. I should be going home soon if i could just find a decent clothe to wear back. My lost and found stuffs are hopeless currently. Which is why i'm still here.

Its like just hours ago but i can't wait to go to another party again, with the same lovely ppl.

2008-10-03T00:19:00.013+08:00

"That's the thing about girls. Everytime they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can." Do i? do i?;]

I can't imagine myself 60 yrs old. Not because of the visibility of the dying body but the predicted image of my dependency on people i love to live. Yesterday i lingered around the toys section reminiscing the hopes on collecting those plastics. They were the world to me. In the end i picked up a box that says; create your own doll. Perfect. I always wanted to make one just that i want to make one from scratch, not what the box offered. So in the end i walked out of that utopia with bare hands.

Me says: Can u come up with a phrase that best describe me?
Jonne: mmm..
Me says: don't have to be careful.
Jonne: Strange, the flower burned by the ever cruel rays of the sun, then drowned by the rain... yet it always emerges stronger and more beautiful.

aww beautiful....

So on the same morning Dan and i had happy meal. Like when was the laast timeee.. 10 yrs ago? Okay i only wanted the toy. The only toy tt makes me all giggly inside;; Bloo. Such a splendid remedy. I would need it.. you know, for preparation. So i think, i might have a job. I need cash. Cash for food, for soaps, for mobile, for travelling. This month would be my busiest. Lets see, 2 bdays around the corner, work and school, alot of packing and moving to the new house and lastly the helloween party! (can't wait). What have you thought of dressing up as? I'm thinking rouge with a wig.

Ps: Thank you people for voting! I love you even more.

2008-09-30T13:31:00.009+08:00

At the end of it all you can do it stick to your guns and set your anchor.

I like going away. I don't know why but i like going away. It could just be the words of my circus mind or just the pure emotion of a want. But i always wanted to leave. I would just go whereever whenever i can. Relenting. Like the globular seed head of a dandelion, with just a soft blow, those tiny parachutes navigate by the wind. "why would you want to go away when you have people you loved here?" says Dad. I just believe there's somewhere i can be of more meaning.

A few days ago when i was at bikini bar, 6 of us talked about sensitive issues;; sex, the different alcoholic drinks, drugs, diseases. Then came the subject of me. The once bulimic. I never knew it would come to this day where i can talked about it without feeling estranged. I felt victory. I was lucky i did not reach the point of dying. Though till today, i taste the consequences. I remembered how lonely i was. I have friends but i didn't allow anyone to come near. I hated everything. everything. everything. That memory is like a hollow space, somewhere distant yet close. It follows like a tail. I don't think i want to rid it. I want it to always be behind. Behind and i will lead.

Free food free drinks this Sat's beach party. Can't wait~

F1 race audience view

2008-09-29T00:16:00.004+08:00

2008-09-27T22:50:00.003+08:00

But I knew exactly where I was.
And I knew the meaning of it all.
And I knew the distance to the sun.
And I knew the echo that is love.
And I knew the secrets in your spires.
And I knew the emptiness of youth.
And I knew the solitude of heart.
And I knew the murmurs of the soul.
And the world is drawn into your hands,
And the world is etched upon your heart.
And the world so har to understand
Is the world you can't live without
And I knew the silence of the world.

2008-09-25T23:36:00.011+08:00

"And oohh my tongue's the only a muscle in my body that works harder than my heart."

Daddy and i had a loonng talk. One which could make your eyes pour and hands slamming things around you. But before i felt silly and vulnerable, i had a little voice under my ribcage saying "i want to present the world more than a caricature form, just like the few." It was like a death pledge. My father believed in a hopeless world but i was more intransigent than ever. So in a starters effort i researched in alot of things when i got home.

Have you watched freedom writers? i think its one of the best movies derived from a true story. About racism. About history. About how what has happend is just like one of the stars in the sky of many. Realistically. See Daddy, i'm not seeing the world like a bed of roses.

I think i have an anger management problem, or maybe its just my hormones and it always leaves me running off to anywhere from where i am. Right before then i would think/say "leave me". Then i got scared. You know that phrase-you'll only know what is important to you when you lose it. So to nurse my regret, i would check my cellphone about 4 times in every 2 mins and speaking words only God and me would understand.

Anyway tml i would be going to a beach bar to meet Jas, vert and Rayne. Neeedda to get outt.

2008-09-22T14:03:00.009+08:00

"Best day of my life was yesterday." And the story is that i woke up to the melody i could play it over and over. It was cold but not too cold and i had a cup of lukewarm instant milo and ate sugar biscuits with it and then i went to the Catholic's home with everyone else. We fed the children's souls caught in frail wrinkled bodies and they reminded me of the book i read about changelings which sounds dumb but it weren't. I like the way Mother Mary stood like a guardian, with the newly planted roses adorned below her and soft light that reflects from the bonded carrara marble. That's the light that make everyone better, everything prettier, everything seem to be in that light. I didn't do much. But tried speaking, watching the beautiful changelings. I met one, who told me her background. A parankan, a chinese. a grandson whom i'll never forget about. I promised i'll be back to this lovely place. Great day, yesteday."

Alan: Now give me ten good reasons why is it so hard to be happy?
Me: Grand answer...

20th, 2 days ago, Alan's bday.
Was one of the best western gathering i've been to. I knew no one excluding the friends i came with. I didn't recognise the food. I had a bite of charcoal pork sausage and threw it out. I don't eat pork. I believe in the story 'Babe' the piglet. But anyway, why is it the best party, its cause everyone frolicked and gathered closely and ohhh there was rock music. Right beside us was another party, a contrast scene. Familiarrr.

This morning i woke up to a text msg from Dan, saying he's not well. So while i waited, think i wanted to be kept awake, i delved into my story book. A true story. Which gave me a clearer understanding of the world nothing like ours. Then i came across a poem, which reminded me of a human flaw. It says:

I swear i will not dishonour
my soul with hatred
but offer myself humbly
as a guardian of nature,
as a healer of misery,
a messenger of wonder,
as an architect of peace.

Now i know how keeping a personal diary should be like and not ripping the written pages off sporadically to restart-over. I didn't think it was that easy. Really. I was really fussy with the curves and lines that made up each letter. But in the last few days, i've been writing in short-hand i thought no one can decipher and i was contented.

Ps: www.danielpearl.org

2008-09-19T16:15:00.014+08:00

Collette.G: It is not scientically proven that cats are afraid of dogs right?

David: Yea i think so

Collette.G: So an image of a cat overpowering a dog could make people go wow just because reality is grown from that fiction impression

Human psychology.. Amazinggg.

So Dan me and Dav hung at cartel (They have free bread loafs!) We talked about the procedures of studying/working in Australia. I gathered if applicable, i hope, i could either go by the end of this yr or end of '09. But it turns out i was less of a talker and more of a dreamer. You know, like an unopened empty box. Blame my book, my current entertainer to my desires. Anyway i can never be at a food-operated place without spending even my last few notes on something. Seriously, i'm a very indecisive person, but a menu of 5 different types of milkshakes? Milkshakes=gooodd. There was Death by chocolate milkshake, OREO chocolate milkshake, vanilla milkshake.. then i decided to go by color. I love white. So vanilla:] My personal strategy. Was a pretty relaxing rendevous. 3 people.. sitting in the awesome weather.. though not enough to air our solitary heads.

Just about done with this entry, i suppose this will be my final blog. Told Cheryl Viola during church on wed. " yah i know you always change". Apparently i can't be comfortable too long in one spot. So i was given a lesson by my Dr that maybe i just haven't found the right one that certain people would only know what it is till they reach their thirties. mmm..

Got this from someone and i wanted to try it here. Hopefully i get interesting response. So here it is;; Post anything that you want under my comments, and post it anonymously/or not. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love, what you think of me, your parents, boyfriend, anything. Just make it honest. Make sure to post honestly. Post as many times as you'd like.

2008-09-17T16:39:00.004+08:00

I have always loathed to talk about the crevasses of my life. I see it as a weakness. But it has been a habitual comfort and that was where i got my words from. In other words, it has become an inspiration. More than half a year ago, i was rivetingly moved by the spiritural heft of Yahweh: The Lord in Hebrew. To be exact, i had embrace this gift as the father calls it, but the process was, half-glass empty. Now, ever so influenced by the teachings, i stopped my stubborn curiosity of God's existence and became very attracted to the many beliefs of the world. How similar our roots of traditions yet so different in the air we breathe. To some people, they fight to keep theirs right, to some they fight for truth. If i were to choose which values i considered most essential. I would say, ethics and truth; my personal religion. As i sit by the balcony acquainting myself with the breeze, I thought of how my faith was put to a test. This place of gravity and stability, where our feet can still touch the ground.. isn't the safest place at all.